Not So Black And White

"So I started protesting. However, my protests didn’t really deter my brother. Like when I’d say no, he wouldn’t listen. He’d say things like, please, just this once, and coerce me into it. I would give in. I’m not the kind of person who can say no easily and that’s one hell of a major problem with me even today. I tried using other means to avoid his advances. I was getting really fed up of them. Actually more than just fed up, I was really very, very scared. There would be this nauseous feeling at the pit of my stomach every time I sensed something was going to happen. We used to sleep on the same bed and I started putting a pillow between us. But if he wanted, he’d just brush it aside and do what he wanted to. I tried blackmailing him. I told him that if this went on, that if he made one more move, then I’d tell our parents. But he’d just turn around and say, go ahead, do it, tell them; you’re equally guilty, you want it too, so go ahead. "

"I’ve been majorly affected by the abuse. For some time now, I’ve been doing a lot of introspecting and I can see how it has affected my life. Like for instance, physical contact and sex. I just don’t like it if anyone touches me. Ugh! I hate it. My boyfriend is a damn nice person and not very physical or demonstrative. Earlier, when we had just gotten together and were kind of getting physical, I used to feel very weird about it. I just didn’t know how to tell him I felt weird. I guess I could have if I tried. But it did seem funny to say, no, no, don’t do this, no don’t hold my hand, no don’t put your arm around me, not now. How do you say these things when other people seem to do them so naturally and normally? "

"Believe me, (recovery) is one big struggle sometimes and I can be so scared of what might happen and what might not if I change. Like, I’m scared that my friends may not be able to understand me or why I’m behaving the way I am these days, and I might lose them. I don’t want that to happen. But I know for sure, this is part of my healing process, I need to feel the pain and grieve for what has happened. I believe that before change, before the awakening and the rebirth, one has to experience pain. I know that I have it in me to become a solid and stable person. That’s my hope for me: this new life, this new me."

Delhi, Age 19