"It is almost eight years after the last act of sexual abuse but its effect remains. It varies in its intensity, but is always there.
My abuse was multi-faceted. The clearest and most tangible part was the sexual abuse by my brother. My college-going brother used to touch me sexually, in the night, always when I least expected it. My body used to respond... The abuse occurred in the grey area of being awake and being asleep. My brother was never hurtful and most of the time, very gentle. Underlying the act was secrecy, dirt and dishonesty like a grey oil film in a dirty puddle. I was always divided–rooted in the reactions of my body yet floating in a sense of unreality, helplessness and guilt. The feeling of helplessness, of being trapped stayed with me through the rest of the days of abuse and still haunts me occasionally."
"I still cannot find the words to explain the state I would be in. Shock, arousal, intense hate…wishing it would stop, wishing it would continue, wishing it would finish…hopes, dreams shattering, helplessness…so many things. All through it would be the protest of my soul. I have searched but I cannot find anything else that expresses my hatred of what happened."
"My soul had its own chart however. It wanted to rebuild everything, from start. To clear out the debris of the war that my body had housed and replace it with good touch, feel and use. Healing meant not only to recognise the right to protect myself and speak for myself but to begin to own every part of my body and mind that had been used. To place along with the memory of abuse, memories of love and care. It also meant taking on adult responsibility, moving on from being a survivor to becoming an actor. "
"I feel proud now, not for surviving alone, though there is much in that to be proud of, but for reclaiming my body and mind and making it my own."
Mumbai, Age 27
1 comment:
i found all the story extracts extremely touching and very very courageous; for women to survive abuse and live to talk about it rationally and keep their sense of self intact: that is what defeats the abusers. when are we going to teach our young daughters that thier entire womanhood is not centered between their legs alone and that there is more to being a woman than having to spread your legs, forcibly or otherwise.
kusum choppra
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